What is Narcissistic Abuse and How Do I Heal?

What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse occurs in a relationship where both parties exist in a shared delusion, disconnected from the reality of who they truly are and the life they are living. This toxic dynamic is not limited to romantic relationships; it can manifest between parent and child, friends, co-workers, or even in professional settings like boss/employee or minister/parishioner relationships.

At the core of narcissistic abuse are two players: the narcissist (the abuser) and the target (the victim). Initially, they idealize each other as "perfect," feeding into a harmful cycle of co-dependency. Professor Sam Vaknin's Dual Mothership Model describes the symbiotic nature of these relationships, drawing on earlier work by Sanders (1989).

The narcissist typically has arrested emotional development, often stuck at the emotional age of around four years old. This is the stage where, in a healthy relationship, a child begins to individuate from their mother, realizing they are separate individuals. However, if this process does not complete, the child may grow into an adult with narcissistic tendencies, or even full-blown narcissistic personality disorder, and they are constantly seeking to complete that unfinished emotional separation.

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

In adulthood, narcissists unconsciously seek out relationships where they can recreate this incomplete individuation process. They do not see their partners, friends, or co-workers as independent individuals, but rather as idealized "perfect" versions of themselves—a role that will inevitably crumble under the weight of their expectations. The narcissist lives in a fantasy world, much like a child in a world of make-believe, and this is where the destructive cycle begins.

Phase 1: Love Bombing

When a narcissist enters a relationship, they typically begin with "love bombing." The target is flooded with praise, attention, gifts, and affection, often to the point of being swept off their feet. This overwhelming display is designed to bond the target to the narcissist, creating an intense connection that feels all-consuming. The goal here is for the narcissist and the target to fuse and merge into one, just like an infant sees himself as an extension of his mother.

Phase 2: Devaluation

Once the relationship solidifies (through marriage, intimacy, friendship, or professional closeness), the narcissist begins to devalue the target. This marks the start of the narcissist’s attempt to emotionally "separate" from the target, who has now taken on the role of "mother" in their subconscious narrative. The narcissist’s behavior becomes increasingly cruel, manipulative, and punishing as they try to distance themselves emotionally. It is important to note that gender or type of relationship does not matter—this dynamic plays out in every narcissistic relationship.

Phase 3: Discard

Once the narcissist has pushed their target to the breaking point, they either discard them or create such a toxic environment that the target leaves (reverse discard). For the narcissist, this final act represents the subconscious completion of the individuation process they never fully achieved as a child. It does not work, of course, so they are compelled to do it over and over again with a new target.

Why Do Narcissists Enter Relationships?

Narcissists are drawn to people they admire or feel inferior to, seeing them as "perfect" and capable of elevating the narcissist’s self-worth. However, the narcissist ultimately projects their unresolved childhood wounds onto their target, using the relationship to work out their own emotional baggage. This is why they eventually turn on their targets, seeing them as flawed or no longer "perfect," and begin devaluing them.

The narcissist’s inability to see others as whole, nuanced individuals—possessing both good and bad qualities—means their perception of others vacillates dramatically from one extreme to the other. One moment, you are perfect; the next, you are worthless. This oscillation fuels the toxic push-pull dynamic that keeps the target trapped in the relationship.

The Target's Experience

The target of narcissistic abuse often shares similar early childhood wounds, which makes them more susceptible to these toxic dynamics. They may have grown up feeling responsible for the emotions or behaviors of others, leading them to believe they must constantly "fix" the narcissist or get back to the "ideal" relationship that existed in the beginning.

As the narcissist devalues them, the target becomes trapped in a cycle of seeking validation, love, and acceptance—things the narcissist initially provided during the love-bombing phase. The target works harder and harder to please the narcissist, only to be met with more abuse. Over time, the target’s cognitive abilities decline, and they begin to lose touch with reality, resulting in emotional and mental damage, including C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which comes from ongoing trauma such as abuse over time).

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Healing from narcissistic abuse is a deeply personal and challenging process. For the narcissist, true healing is unlikely, as their brain’s emotional development was stunted at a young age. Those not fully diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder can improve with intensive, long-term therapy, but full recovery is extremely rare, and unlikely.

For the target, however, there is hope. While the target may have experienced childhood wounds that made them vulnerable to abuse, they did go through the individuation process as a child, meaning they have the capacity to heal. With the right approach—often involving deep, subconscious healing work—the target can break the cycle and rebuild a life that is happy, healthy, and full of love and abundance.

Breaking the Trauma Bond

Breaking the trauma bond with a narcissist begins with going no-contact. However, this is easier said than done, as many targets struggle to fully sever ties. Much like an addiction, the target may still be "carrying" the narcissist with them mentally and emotionally. To truly heal, the target must actively step outside of the narcissist’s narrative and deconstruct the shared delusion that has kept them trapped.

The target’s recovery also involves addressing their own subconscious childhood wounds, as these are the root cause of why they entered and stayed in an abusive relationship. Healing is not just about overcoming the recent abuse; it is about re-individuating and shedding the old, wounded self in favor of a new, thriving version. In other words, the target is now becoming an entirely new person.

Conclusion

While narcissistic abuse creates a web of confusion, pain, and delusion, there is a path to healing for the target. By recognizing the toxic dynamics at play, breaking the trauma bond, and addressing childhood wounds, the target can reclaim their life and step into a future filled with happiness, love, and abundance. Without this subconscious work, however, the cycle is likely to repeat, leaving the target stuck in a pattern of toxic relationships. But it does not have to be that way—you have the power to break free and heal, and that is where I come in to help my clients dig all that baggage out that has put them on this path, so that we can reprogram all of it.

So, if you are struggling with this, have hope. But you DO need to invest time, effort, and even money here. It takes some work, but it is so worthwhile and it does not take years in talk therapy, which will not fix this anyway. I work with professional women, and in 90 days I set my clients on a path toward their beautiful life filled with all the amazing things they ever wanted. Except this time, they know they are lovable, they deserve to be treated well, they have and can hold healthy boundaries, and they recognize their own worth. Give me a call!

Xoxo

Tricia